Growing Pains

This week has been a difficult one for me. Natalie and Leah both went back to school this week (6th and 4th grade) and I find myself reflecting, probably more often than I should, on their younger days. I remember the beautiful, curly pigtails I used to love to put in their hair and sitting on the floor of their room playing Barbies and My Little Ponies with them. I remember the way they smelled right after bath time as they sat falling asleep in my lap. I remember the day tiny little Leah, less than 2 years old at the time, let herself out of the house one day because, in her words, she wanted to go to the "fry-fry store" (the McDonalds sign was visible from our house). I remember Natalie figuring out that if she pulled out the drawers just right she could climb to the top of the refridgerator and finding her smiling down from the top. Then there was the time that Natalie, Leah, and my friend Suzzies daughter, Katie, got into a huge argument over who was going to dance with Eric....the prince they had imagined in their game. I remember driving on the way to Natalies 5th birthday party and she picked up my book that I had left in the backseat- The DaVinci Code. She asked me if she could read it. I responded that I would give her a dollar if she could read me one sentence from the book. Natalie proceeded to read me a whole paragraph before I stopped her and told her she won. And I remember every time I have brought Leah swimming, seeing her little lips turn purple as she stubbornly insists that she is not cold and she can keep swimming. But my best memories are always the ones that involve the hugs and the snuggles. They have always been the best at both of those things and there is nothing quite like the feeling of receiving a hug from your own child. Not a quick little squeeze, but a true hug. They are so filled with pure, complete love... It is impossible for me to try and explain it. There is not a single thing in the world that compares to the love of your child when they are little and you are their whole world. It is such an amazing, all filling thing. It is the driving force behind everything I do. And it makes everything ok. I may have the worst day ever, but if I can end the day with one of my little girls arms wrapped around my neck, then I know that I can get through another day and that everything will be ok.
As I look at these 2 girls, growing more beautiful and amazing with every passing day I find myself filled with such conflicting emotions. Of course, there is the obvious pride I have for them. They are amazing people and anyone who is lucky enough to sit down with them and really get to know either of them will find themselves in for something truly special. And love. I never, ever truly understood that word until I held them. Nothing ever meant anything until they came to be. It was as if all of the sudden, I suddenly understood why I am here and what I am supposed to do. And I am excited, as I get to watch them grow and blossom and become the amazing women I know they will some day be- full of love and laughter and hope. There is joy as I learn how our mother/daughter relationship changes and grows and we become closer and talk about more things.
But there is also a sense of sadness and I think I finally understand what the hardest part of being a parent is. Its the sadness- the letting go and watching them go out into the world without you. The loneliness of an empty hand that was once filled with their tiny little one. The ache to feel those little arms around your neck and feel that pure, absolute love once more. The quiet of a bedroom where you used to play Barbies, when they are off with friends. The twinge of pain as you hear them whisper secrets to their friends that they used to share only with you. The heart-wrenching, gut twisting fear that is there as you step back and let them go to make their own way in the world (even if it is just a little bit at a time) where you can't protect them and keep them safe.
So I sit here, covering the keyboard in tears as I think about my little babies growing up and taking on the world. But I know that every single moment of it is worth it and the world is a much better place because Natalie, Leah, McKenzie and Alyvia are part of it.