Firsts vs Lasts

My oldest daughter pointed out to me several weeks ago that at various points in our lives, we experience a “last” of everything- the last time we pick up our children, the last time we give a loved one a hug, the last first day of school….etc. Needless to say this conversation left me in a fit of tears and wanting to hug on to my teenager very tightly (I didn’t get to, she gave me the glare and I knew better than to try). This idea has been nagging at the back of my head ever since she mentioned it, and I have been having a very hard time dealing with it, especially as we packed up and moved out of what I really believed was going to be our forever home. Packing up all of our things, moving my children out of their bedrooms that they had been able to paint and decorate and make their own, broke my heart. I felt so terrible for letting them down and not being able to keep their home for them. I was making a mental note of every “last” in that house.

While driving in the car to pick up my oldest, I was in tears trying to tell my 12 year old that I was so sorry I had let her down. My 12 year old did something amazing just then, she reach over and took my hand and told me how proud she was of how well I was taking care of them and handling everything. In that moment, she made me stop and reevaluate how I was looking at everything. She showed me the other side of the situation, that while it sucked that we were losing a house we loved, we still had so much to be thankful for and be proud of.  As we drove along (both of use crying, cause that’s what we do), it kind of hit me that maybe that same thought process could be applied to my nagging fear of “lasts”. Maybe instead of focusing on all those lasts, I could celebrate the firsts instead.

So, this past weekend, we closed the door to that old house for the last time and opened to door to our camp home for the first. We spent our first day by the lake, cooked our first grilled cheese sandwiches over the fire, we watched our first episode of Doctor Who in our new home, we floated in the lake for the first time…and I felt peace for the first time in a very long time.